I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
