oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
