so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
