just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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