I am in a vortex of obligation.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
