it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
