If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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