don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
