He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
What drink are we having for lunch?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
