I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
