Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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