Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
