During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Quick, to the slutcave!
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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