Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
