I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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