see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
