Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
