A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
