Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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