Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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