I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
