I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Vodka?
Forever.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
