i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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