So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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