: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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