Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
