you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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