then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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