Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it's like iHOP with fire
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
