you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
