Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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