do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
