First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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