yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
