Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
