i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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