I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
