This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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