I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
