i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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