Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
