I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
