I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
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i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
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This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
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