I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
