Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
