just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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