youre lurking in front of me
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
