I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
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All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
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Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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