I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
