The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
