NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
