life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
