HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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