Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
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This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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