you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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