Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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