Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
