The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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