I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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